Have you ever been behind the wheel of a vehicle closely watching that other vehicle approaching you and, all of a sudden, it just vanishes?
It happened to me 3 times last week. Twice on the highway as I thought the cars were in my blind spot. Once on a county road with a car so far up my ass I was convinced that the driver could taste my lunch. I looked away and when I looked back the car was gone. Like it had been vaporized, or beamed up to a spaceship where some people who wear red are expendable. I didn’t see a road to turn onto. Maybe it was a hidden driveway. What the hell? Just creepy.
I’ve also driven for about a half an hour and found myself somewhere with no recollection of getting there. Like my brain went on auto-pilot and took over the duty of getting me there. For all I know, I could have run 14 red lights, taken out a family of ducks crossing the road, and torn up the nicely trimmed lawn of a roadside church. Who knows. I was The Zombie Driver looking for brains, a futile quest since I don’t seem to have any.
A mildly entertaining circumstance, although not really a hallucination, is finding something that you have never seen before somewhere that you travel to every day. One day it was a warehouse. Convinced myself that the building was not there the day before. I was about a minute away from calling a talk radio station to report my findings when I imagined what I’d sound like. “Uh, yeah, I just found a building that the construction fairies must have built cuz it wasn’t there yesterday…” Oh hell no. Someone would recognize my voice and before I know it I’d be washing my new medication down with sugar-free fruit punch in a nice quiet environment.
But you know as well as I do that it happens. It’s happened to you, right? Maybe it’s not the construction fairies. When I say it out loud it does sound a bit crazy. Could be the Freemasons finally putting forth their secret plan to take over the world….by building a bank that I swear wasn’t there before. And of course it’s a bank. It’s full of safe deposit boxes that contain the Freemason’s hidden treasure in exchange for the lightning fast erection. Pause. I’ll leave you to make up your own smart ass remark here.
Well, maybe it’s the power of suggestion. I have been watching a lot of movies lately. The plots are full of special effects and conspiracy theories. Freemasons here. CIA there. Bond. James Bond. If I were James Bond, I’d be driving a car that pales my piece of shit by comparison.
Could be that I need more B vitamins in my diet. Or fiber. I’m hoping for B vitamins. Although I must admit that I can’t imagine myself all jacked up on B-12, trying to explain to the suspicious police officer that I am not on hallucinogens, I’m just trying to outrun the phantom car that disappeared a split second before the siren wailed. Sugar-free fruit punch, here I come.
As I ponder all of the possibilities, I find myself a half an hour down the road with no recollection of how I got there.
One thing I am sure of. All this has nothing to do with the chemical plant with foul smelling fumes that recently materialized out of thin air on the road that I drive everyday.
